Friends I Didn’t Know I Had

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It’s amazing.

In the last two weeks, I’ve heard from hundreds of new friends who have appeared out of cyberspace to inundate me with good news:

  • Sgt. Perry Gibson, fighting valiantly in Iraq, wants to share millions of Saddam’s newly-found loot with me. His rationale for keeping the money is “we found it first”. It’s good to know that the “finders keepers” rule is still in effect.
  • Jim Peters asks for my urgent response to his quest to share millions from a deceased uncle who was the Director of Golf Ball Measurement in Nigeria. Said relative managed to accumulate quite a stash while measuring his balls.
  • George Bogucki insists I get back to him “ASAP” on a matter of some urgency and confidentiality regarding the shipment of funds from his country to a “safe haven” in the U.S. It appears he has found several million dollars in cash misplaced during a recent coup.
  • Chen Guangyuan Lili sends his “compliments of the season”. This could be the Easter season or perhaps hunting season; Chen does not specify.
  • Mrs. Sousse Pressons is holding a courier package for me containing another 3.2 million in U.S. funds. If I will only pay the modest excise tax and handling fee of $1,500, she’ll ship it right out.
  • Jerry Smith sends a message he instructs me to “TREAT AS URGENT!!” Only my wife can get away with using that tone.

To top it all off, I’ve apparently won every Internet lottery, sweepstakes, giveaway, and cash award there is! This is especially amazing, in that I’ve had virtually no luck at all winning my state’s little lotto which requires selecting only five numbers.

Since the economy took its well-publicized nosedive, the amount of spam pouring into my inbox has doubled. This is a good indication that hard times can affect scam artists as well as honest members of society. Hey, a guy has gotta make a living!

Fortunately, the combination of Spam Assassin, MailWasher, and an aggressive filter means 99.9% of this junk never does make it to my inbox. Once a day, I visit a special “spam box” I’ve set up and delete the contents, consigning these hucksters to oblivion. Every so often I take a spare moment to peruse the messages before carrying out the execution. It’s sad, really, so see such creative juices go to waste.

But spam, like taxes, will continue. And tomorrow, there will be more of both.